Alien: Covenant
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Lawrence of Arabia

Aug-10-2017 10:43 AM

"So, get this, they build this massive base on the alien planet and start terraforming, and yet, despite all their investment in technology and research into conditions, the colonists, who, no doubt, passed all the colonist tests, not only fail to detect exo-biological components in the air (surely they must be floating in the air there since there is a hanger-sized underground nest full of eggs, as seen in Alien, open to the atmosphere) but they also fail to be the least bit disturbed by/curious about the massive alien juggernaut a short drive away from their base for decades. DECADES!! Oh, man, I almost walked out.

Then — so bad — rather than sending cost-effective (no-hypersleep apparatuses) military programmed robots (contamination resistant) to the planet to see what is going on, they send a bunch of lunkhead, easily excitable/killable human marines. And, since the colonists have lost all contact (disease?), surely there is nothing IN THE AIR to be concerned about, so in the marines go — and these are professionals — WITHOUT CONTAMINATION SUITS. That part made me so angry I went into the theatre bathroom locked myself in a stall to cool down.

Then I came back and sat down and saw them get even more stupid, firing their guns in all directions regardless of pressurized piping, flammable storage tanks, etc. that could have blowed them all up for good. I cursed the screen, cursing the dumb thing that I saw.

And then that tall bossy lady makes everyone wait at great peril so she can hunt for the little brat. And — and this is supposed to be the main protagonist of this woeful mess — rather than leaving quietly with the brat, puts the brat WHOM SHE JUST SAVED in needless jeopardy AGAIN to satisfy her selfish desire for vengeance (the place was going to be nuked anyway!), by flaming the bugs all up causing the whole nest to give chase. We are supposed to be cheering this lady? I stomped out and washed my hands multiple times to wipe off all the dooey decisions I’d seen made on the screen.

Then I went back in and sat down. By this time I’d already seen at least 69 dumb things. I and saw -- I couldn’t believe it -- that after nobody had noticed an elephant-sized alien had snuck on board, not even the robot, until it was too late, and after the tall lady utters a Schwarzenegger line at the bug, she almost gets sucked into space, gripping the rungs of an airlock ladder while a MULTI-TON mother alien clutches her ankle and the vacuum suction of space tries to pull them both down. But after hyper sleep, her arms are toned, so she climbs twenty some feet of ladder despite all the pulling on her, NOT EVEN USING HER LEGS because they keep getting sucked down. I was enraged because I knew in my mind that it could never happen like that and it was a dumb thing I’d seen on the screen to have happened the way it did. Dumb characters making dumb sucky decisions, implausible doo doo events sprayed all over the place, more than you could ever drop in a year, the movie sucked/was dumb!!"

 

This was a review for Aliens back in the day as it was released. Sounds familiar huh?

"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."

27 Responses to Aliens review

AdamPD

Aug-10-2017 10:49 AM

"That part made me so angry I went into the theatre bathroom locked myself in a stall to cool down."

" I stomped out and washed my hands multiple times to wipe off all the dooey decisions I’d seen made on the screen.

Then I went back in and sat down."

 

I think this person needs anger management, if he gets that angry over a film.

Lawrence of Arabia

Aug-10-2017 10:50 AM

AdamPD Sounds like most haters for Covenant.

"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."

Im Durp

Aug-10-2017 10:56 AM

I don't know what you're trying to say here. Someone didn't like Aliens? Ok, if you're trying to connect it and say just because one has a bad review and the other has a bad review they are therefore the same and in a few years A:C will be thought of as highly as Aliens you're really stretching.

Walter

Aug-10-2017 11:04 AM

A:C is the best.Then Alien because its scary the first time or after years not watching, then Prometheus.

Aliens crapped the franchise with this queen, hope eggmorphing or sometheing else returns

Lawrence of Arabia

Aug-10-2017 11:09 AM

Im Durp What I'm trying to say is at the time Aliens came out people were just as nitpicky and hard on Aliens as they are now with Covenant and instead of suspending disbelief and enjoying a good film they look for every little perceived fault. It's not just one review either but one of many I'm using as an example which echoes A LOT of what people are hating on Covenant for. I do see the years being kind to Covenant but right now it's the trend to hate and pick it apart cuz it wasn't what we thought we wanted. I'm not stretching but you can believe what you want man.

"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."

Ingeniero

Aug-10-2017 11:11 AM

Thanks for bringing up the classic review Lawrence of Arabia.

I was a teenager who just swam through the novelization of Aliens in '86 when I saw the movie. Back then, I would have let you give me an "Aliens" tattoo somewhere important because I was so excited.

Now, yes, there are elements I'm not too big on but I don't pick it apart as much as the review you post above. The story has missed out on so much by not covering the career of Michael Bishop. Also, the Engineer ship was masked by volcanic activity and not picked up in surveying (I know, weak reasoning).

LV-426

I posted this on a thread some months back regarding discrepancies in the Aliens story, see below.

Why hadn’t the colonists on LV-426 picked up the signal from the juggernaut in 2157?

“Although there are unsubstantiated reports that the beacon was deliberately turned off in 2135 (see Report REF#MARLOW58821). What could still be seen of the ship by 2157 was believed to be part of the Ilium Mountain Range, nearly 30KM from the terraformers’ compound."

Weyland-Yutani Report (page 83)

I'm sure this report above is in reference to Henry Marlow, the captain of the salvage vessel Anesidora around the year 2135.

This vessel discovered the juggernaut on LV-426 and Marlow said to his crew:

"I'll find the beacon and shut it off. Don't want anybody else finding this place."

(Source: Alien: Isolation)

Lawrence of Arabia

Aug-10-2017 11:13 AM

Ingeniero I'm not trying to pick apart Aliens or I'm not saying that there weren't valid reasons for why things happened but it either wasn't explained in movie or not well enough. My point is how people were critiquing it at the time and how it echoes recent events.

"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."

Ati

Aug-10-2017 11:21 AM

Lawrence of Arabia - So funny! The same complaints and points. Thank you for adding this post.

Surprising but true - we see the same comments by the Covenant haters now:

'Dumb characters making dumb sucky decisions, implausible doo doo events sprayed all over the place, more than you could ever drop in a year, the movie sucked/was dumb!!'

Kethol

Aug-10-2017 11:52 AM

You forgot the seemingly endless supply of air that was sucked out of that massive airlock door at the end of Aliens. After a few seconds all the air in the hanger should have escaped into the vacuum, but that scene just went on, and on, and on...

Believe me - we picked apart the stupidity prominent in Aliens back in the day. I remember it well. But we did not have the internet hatefest we have today. That was exclusive to the 'professional' movie reviewers back then.

“Has the usual number of inconsistencies, improbabilities and outright absurdities characteristic of the sci-fi and horror genres. What is interesting, though, is its hostile critical reception, despite the excellent visual values, direction that is no more hokey than usual in such films, dialogue that (when it is decipherable) is par for the course, and acting that is generally superior. What earmarks it as a probable audience hit and certifiable critical flop is merely that the horror is more horrible than usual.”

“There is very little involvement with the characters themselves … A generally good cast in cardboard roles.”

“An empty-headed horror movie with nothing to recommend it beyond the inspired art direction and some handsome, if gimmicky, cinematography.”

"“An overblown B-movie… technically impressive but awfully portentous and as difficult to sit through as a Black Mass sung in Latin"

“A horrid film, skillful and studied in its nastiness, and there is little the cast can do to mitigate its manipulative horror … those with the stomach for indulgent nastiness may go and gibber.”

 

Those were all for the original Alien, in 1979, by the way.

 

cuponator3000

Aug-10-2017 11:53 AM

YES! Love the post, Lawrence of Arabia! It is kind of spooky that this review is so similiar to the negative ones that Covenant has been getting...   

Not a map, an invitation

Timiteh

Aug-10-2017 12:36 PM

@Walter, AC is not scary, it is gore but not scary.

Well, even though Aliens is my favorite, because it is a first i saw and to like some of characters a lot, it sure has flaws like any other movie of the franchise. (I personnaly find that both Alien 3 and Alien are the one with the less flaws. Though i find that Alien is a bit too slow, especially the xenomorph, for my taste.)

The worse flaws are effectively at the end of the movie with:

-Ripley stupidity which leads to the freedom of the queen when she can has just burnt the eggs and blown the xeno to protect her escape with Newt. Her inconsistent behavior is one of the most stupid moment of the whole franchise

-The fact, that they don't detect the queen before she gets into the Sulaco. Though one can wonder if Bishop was not playing a double game.

-The fact that Ripley was able to both resist the Queen pulling and the space vacuum suction unless of course she is a droid :),etc...

But Aliens flaws are insignificant compared to Alien Covenant flaws. Moreover Characters from Aliens are far superior to those of Covenant, whatever the way you look at it. I don't think that even hudson could be tricked in litteraly putting his head in a egg just to see what is inside. 

The story is more consistent and the movie itself is more scary and way more entertaining. 

This said the franchise as a whole has some flaws like for example:

- Why is the company so obsessed by getting Xeno rather than harvesting the Juggernaut technology or engineers technology in the prequels ? The black goo should be more appealing to them then the xeno

-Why the company even bother to send humans to some critical mission when they can send droids which are more efficient,smarter and can be made fully obedient ?

-How the xenomorph and especially the neomorphs manage to grow that fast without eating anything at least nothing we see ?,etc...

 

I Raptus

Aug-10-2017 1:43 PM

Lawrence of Arabia interesting post. Aliens is one of the most iconic sci-fi films of that era, and is still a classic today (love it or hate it).

This just goes to show XD

 appreciate it for what it is, not what you want it to be

 

 

 #KeepTheRociFlying

Kethol

Aug-10-2017 1:44 PM

@Timiteh - Aliens was NOT scary. Entertaining and fun, in a 1980s mindless Rambo action movie sort of way, but nothing in that movie scared me when I was a kid. Alien scared the crap out of me.

I Raptus

Aug-10-2017 1:48 PM

"and after the tall lady utters a Schwarzenegger line at the bug"

imagine Arnie saying the famous "Get away from you b!tch" line

XD

 #KeepTheRociFlying

dk

Aug-10-2017 1:50 PM

Lawrence of Arabia At first I was thinking it was your review and I started to get fired up lol! Thanks for posting- great example of how we haven't really changed.

Dark Nebula

Aug-10-2017 2:04 PM

"Human heaven? Goodness, humans don't go to heaven.

Someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts."

- Kryten, Red Dwarf S3E06 "The Last Day"

Ingeniero

Aug-10-2017 4:23 PM

I see Lawrence of Arabia. I guess I went long on my response answering what I thought the empty complaints were on Aliens.

Excellent point in the topic.

joylitt

Aug-10-2017 6:01 PM

When a movie has a good structure and plays within the conventions of the action genre with conviction, has likable characters, high stakes, and nail biting suspense, you can ignore many flaws. It is a very different thing when a movie is a pretentious patchwork of different genres, it has no surprises or suspense and takes pleasure in showing how stupid their characters are.

VivisectedEngineer

Aug-10-2017 6:43 PM

@Lawrence of Arabia

Lol, this is really great! This is a real review of Aliens?? At first I literally thought it was an extremely on the nose parody satirizing all the criticism Covenant has been receiving.

There's something really hilarious to me about the fact that the guy despises this movie so much from the very start, yet continues to sit through it and meticulously memorize every detail (despite allegedly leaving to the bathroom several times).

You know, I'm only recently learning about this personality type that devotes copious amounts of time to a thing they despise, yet it seems surprisingly prevalent.

daliens

Aug-10-2017 10:30 PM

That Aliens review is totally right, I feel the same about that movie, totally dumb. Maybe that guy loved Alien and could not stand seeing how the xenomorph was turned into a bug to justify Cameron's idea of an insectoid queen. So yes, I consider Aliens the dumbest movie of the franchise and I don't get all the praise for it. I can understand your point that the wording didn't change much in the negative reviews. But again all the critics expected to see Prometheus 2. Will be Awakening Aliens 2? I hope not.

"He survived, he’s now in Disneyland in Orlando, and no way am I going back there. How did he end up in Disneyland? I saw him in Disneyland, Jesus Christ!"

ali81

Aug-11-2017 2:57 AM

on the whole aliens was very well received by the vast majoriy of viewers and critics. AC has not been so fortunate. in this review the person is picking up on small details which, though important, can be over looked when there has been sound character building and the film follows a steady arc which is evident in aliens. AC doesn't, imo, do any of these which, in my view, is the basic reason many are disappointed in AC and I don't think it will change in time. for many, there are too many 'larger' issues with AC that in their opinion makes AC a badly done movie. it should have been an epic and had the potential laid out by Prometheus to be so, but it hasn't lived up to the billing and has failed to fulfil its potential.

Starlogger

Aug-11-2017 7:16 AM

"You know, I'm only recently learning about this personality type that devotes copious amounts of time to a thing they despise, yet it seems surprisingly prevalent."

Quite a salient point there, vivisected...on the nose.

Timiteh

Aug-11-2017 8:33 AM

@Kethol, Aliens was scary for someone who had never seen Alien. Once you get used to one movie of the franchise up to the 3, the other are not scary anymore. However Alien Covenant is not scary even for someone who has never seen a movie of the franchise.

And no Aliens is not another mindless action movie (i guess that you are comparing it to Rambo II), it is more than that. It is the proud successor of Alien which managed to be not a copy of the first one while keeping some of the same DNA. Cameron did a great, not perfect as even the first one is not perfect, job with this movie. He brought new concepts(the hive,the queen,etc...) to the franchise and did one of the thing it does best in its movie, bash the military. This is why they looked so dumb initially. However he still managed to have great marines characters such as Hudson, Vasquez, Hicks and even Gordman. I wish there were such great characters in either Prometheus or covenant.

Moreover to think that Rambo,especially the first one, is a mindless action movie is to fail to understand what this movie is really about. Rambo I is one of the most anti-war movie ever made. It is a very sensitive and quite tragic movie. Just carefully watch and listen the scene with both Rambo and his colonel at the end.

 

Starlogger

Aug-11-2017 8:45 AM

Aliens is most definitely a mindless action movie, blatantly using the "Aliens" as the bait to get people to come see another war/action/killing things movie.

Im Durp

Aug-11-2017 9:03 AM

^By that lazy categorization I guess you'd also agree Alien is just Halloween in space.

 

 

Timiteh

Aug-11-2017 9:39 AM

@starlogger, that is your opinion. In the same way i can say that Alien is a boring, slow movie not scary at all. At least it was not scary when i saw it and i was just 14 !

Kethol

Aug-11-2017 10:57 AM

@Timeteh - "Moreover to think that Rambo,especially the first one, is a mindless action movie is to fail to understand what this movie is really about."

No, I am talking about the second movie called Rambo. The original movie was called First Blood, and is actually not a bad film. The mindless sequel was called RAMBO: First Blood part II. Written by this guy named James Cameron, with some politics added by Stallone. Cameron wrote Aliens and Rambo simultaneously...and it shows.

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