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Alien Sucks and these Reviews Prove it! ;)

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dk

Nov-12-2019 8:43 PM

Time for a sobering look at one of our favorite "classics".

Here is a review with a full on video.

A Forum member showed this to me and might not want the Forum's wrath, so I will show it and keep IRaptus' name anonymous.

Text Excerpt:

I like to think that the slowness of the film allows for a good look at the set designs which are excellent. The entire success of this movie, where it's laurels rest, is upon those sets. Besides from that it is nothing more than another sci fi movie. I am stating this as my impression after watching it at least twenty times at home, if I had seen this movie in the theater at it's seventy-nine premier I would give it a different review.

Despite the realness of the alien world I am unable to suspend my disbelief and earnestly follow the action... I mean everything looks good but there is something awry with the story in which I find ridiculousness and redundancy. In the directors commentary Ridley Scott says something interesting about the cryogenic freezers that open up at the beginning of the film, he says that if you think too hard about it then it does not make sense. I say that if you think at all such a thing will be a hindrance to reason. And since the bulk of the movie is just pushed along by a continuance of sci-fi clichés such as those cryogenic "freezer-inos" it leaves me wondering what does this movie mean to do? I mean every movie has a purpose, film is not a reflection of life but an attempt to create a new vision for audiences that will change the course of the world. And in Alien the goal is emasculation. As a genetically born male I find a problem with the feminist orientation of the thing.

The film culminates with a strong female character ejecting a phallically headed creature off into the oblivion of space. The entire film equates male sexuality to a monstrosity. There is an apparent gender opposition even in the antagonism of "mother" the computer. Humans are trapped between a primal and bodily nature in the alien and on the other-side face the apathetic machinery of progress in the form of mother and the company. Now why are the destructive forces of progress written as female while the space of regression is shown as male? Even the android Ash is feminized by being an android which is an assuredly impotent thing, indeed he must consume a drink that looks like semen discharge because he cannot produce his own.

But I am not writing with the intention of deflecting love from the finer sex. I just think that there are human natures that never change and that portraying a woman in a man's role is not going to improve the world. Maybe men make more money than women in general and that is unfair but what is all the money in the world to a woman if she does not have a man to protect her.

Going off of that and returning to Alien I say that it is not a film that gives respect to women. I think that Sigourney Weaver appears in it scantly clad and bra-less. Enough said.

Leaving the arena of philosophy there are other details I have left unscathed that need to be addressed when discussing Alien. Firstly the opening shot that pans the spaceship is directly stolen from Star Wars. Next when Cain is attacked by the parasite it melts through his thick visor wall but leaves his face uninjured. When the monster kills Dallas it just is crouching there with it's arms outstretched, in fact never in the movie did I see the monster in the fluid motions of an attack. And finally, although I'm sure I could find more errors, there is the issue of the self-destructing spaceship. Why am I supposed to believe that a spaceship would just conveniently have a self-destruct mechanism, of all the vehicles man has forged thus far from the space shuttle to aircraft carriers how many of them do you know to have mechanisms designed to readily blow them to kingdom come.

 

16 Responses to Alien Sucks and these Reviews Prove it! ;)

hox

Nov-13-2019 12:54 AM

Wow, there are just so many things wrong with this review it’s hard to know where to start! Later...

hox

Nov-13-2019 3:43 AM

OK. I have a few minutes to address this nonsense. @dk, are you sure this wasn't all just made up as a wind-up?

The entire success of this movie, where it's laurels rest, is upon those sets.

Nonsense. The visuals are great but so are the story and characters.

[Ridley Scott] says that if you think too hard about it then it does not make sense.

Of course it doesn't. Einstein told us that faster-thsn-light travel is impossible, but that doesn't detract from the story. It's science fiction, not a science documentary (as Ridley says).

the bulk of the movie is just pushed along by a continuance of sci-fi clichés such as those cryogenic "freezer-inos"

Ridiculous. The movie is pushed along by a unique take on its space-trucker origins. Not to mention the back story of the Alien.

not a reflection of life but an attempt to create a new vision for audiences that will change the course of the world

It's a reflection of a possible way of life in the future. That's what most sci-fi does.

The entire film equates male sexuality to a monstrosity.

No it doesn't. Whilst there are certainly sexual elements, lady parts get a good look in. See, for example, the vulva entrances to the spaceship and the lips of the eggs.

why are the destructive forces of progress written as female while the space of regression is shown as male?

You've just contradicted yourself by previously saying that the entire film equates male sexuality to a monstrosity.

Even the android Ash is feminized by being an android which is an assuredly impotent thing, indeed he must consume a drink that looks like semen discharge because he cannot produce his own

What on Earth are you talking about? Ash is far from feminine. His body contains a milky lubricant similar to what can be found in a lot of machinery. Nothing to do with semen or his inability to produce it.

portraying a woman in a man's role is not going to improve the world

Who said it would? And what, exactly, is a man's role anyway.

what is all the money in the world to a woman if she does not have a man to protect her

Now you're just being deliberatly silly.

it is not a film that gives respect to women. I think that Sigourney Weaver appears in it scantly clad and bra-less. Enough said.

No, enough is not said. The two female characters in the movie get full respect. The reason that Ripley appears in her underwear is not to tittilate the audience; it is to add a feeling of vulnerability and claustrophobia. Which it does very successfully. I'm sure we've all had anxiety dreams about turning up to school minus pants.

the opening shot that pans the spaceship is directly stolen from Star Wars

The point-of-view is quite different.

when Cain is attacked by the parasite it melts through his thick visor wall but leaves his face uninjured.

Kane has blood on his face.

When the monster kills Dallas it just is crouching there with it's arms outstretched, in fact never in the movie did I see the monster in the fluid motions of an attack.

It crouches in the dark and then stretches out its arms. The horror of what comes next is left to the viewer's imagination, and quite rightly so. The monster exhibited a fluid attack when it dispatched Parker.

Why am I supposed to believe that a spaceship would just conveniently have a self-destruct mechanism

Every spaceship ever launched has a self-destruct mechanism. There are a thousand reasons why the Nostromo might need one.

Ganimes V.8

Nov-13-2019 8:10 AM

How could people say that?That movie is one of the best ones ever made.

"I hope,one day,i will go to the U.S.A..."

Ganimes V.8,December 10th 2019

Gavin

Nov-13-2019 9:02 AM

Remember people that cinema is art and art is subjective.

I know many non-alien fans that find Alien slow, boring, dull and far fetched. I personally find Ghostbusters 2016, The Predator, and Terminator: Dark Fate as some of the laziest written and poorly executed movies of recent years, but yet there are some that like some or even all three of these movies.

This is why for me I think reviewers and review sites/aggregators need to differentiate between one's opinion of a movie and a review of a movie. For example opinion wise I would personally rate Alien 4 out of 5, but review wise I would give it at most 2 out of 5.

TheLazyFish

Nov-13-2019 9:15 AM

Eh, probably just someone looking to make a muck for profit, or as I like to call em, trolls who get paid or trolls for hire. Business trolls? Anyways, nothing of substance in this review. Almost as poorly done as a certain, lazy idiot's review of JWFK (though I do agree with the points. I mean, come on. A smiling Dinosaur? Is it Barney?) lol.

If people weren't lazy, we wouldn't try to be efficient. If we weren't efficient, we'd never get anything done.

BigDave

Nov-13-2019 9:32 AM

Each to their Own Really!

Ridley Scott has admitted and some who worked with him, that he Borrows Ideas from other Movies etc, they all do it.. you Rarely see anything Original Anymore.

The Movie is a Straight Up B-Movie... what Set it apart was TWO FOLD...

*The Cast of a Few Characters and how they came across more closer to Regular Joes... (Space Truckers)  and i think they was Well Executed... its NOT gonna Win a Oscar but its by No Means AWFUL!

*The Monster from its Parasitic/Sexualized Life Cycle to its Appearance (thanks to HR Giger) and Traits (Acid Blood for one).

If the Story was Executed Poor with Poorer Cast.... and if the Monster was different then we would END UP with a B-Movie that would not be such a HIT.

YES the Sets where Great but the ONLY ones that were really different to anything we had seen before or that are commonly used in Space Sci-Fi was the Derelict Shots... and these ONLY took a Small Portion of the Movie!

So its UNFAIR to say that the SETS are all the Movie had Going for it...

As far as the Monster and what is NOT shown, we are dealing with a Man in a Suit...  and there is ONLY so much at that Time (1978-79) that you could do with Visual Effects, and showing the Xenomorph too much may have looked more Cheap/Comical well it would not have had the Same Impact..

You see Enough to FORM a Visualization in your Head about the Rest of it, and i think the NOT seeing it much is WHAT really made it STAND OUT!

But Each to its OWN!

Still TODAY i view ALIEN as a Great Movie what could be Changed?  Seeing the Alien a Little More with Improved/Replaced Effects... but then what Little We Saw was Good Enough!

YES we had Minor Scale Issues like TWO different sized of the SET/Space Jockey, and the Cargo Hold that seemed Massive but at the Time of the Movie and after the First 5 Times i saw it, these things NEVER even made a Difference to me or the Plot!

Alien is a 85/100 Movie for Me and My System a Average is 50/100  I cant really Fault the Movie much and it has not Changed much on me as Time goes by.

R.I.P Sox  01/01/2006 - 11/10/2017

Ganimes V.8

Nov-13-2019 9:43 AM

Wait,Alien is not an original story,here's why:

There was a movie called "It!The Terror From Space!",and it was made before Alien,and that movie had the original of idea "A space crew investigates a planet and somehow they bring an Alien on the ship",and its the same plot!

"I hope,one day,i will go to the U.S.A..."

Ganimes V.8,December 10th 2019

dk

Nov-13-2019 10:06 AM

hox I am pretty sure it is tongue in cheek and meant to get people's backs up. The video is long but funny to listen to some of these pretentious "reviews". Note the ";)" in the OP title. TheLazyFish could very well be correct.

TheLazyFish

Nov-13-2019 10:35 AM

dk

Wait, I might actually be right about something for once?

If people weren't lazy, we wouldn't try to be efficient. If we weren't efficient, we'd never get anything done.

dk

Nov-13-2019 11:49 AM

I recommend checking out the whole video- there are some gut busting laughs in there!

Gavin

Nov-13-2019 2:13 PM

@ Ganimes V.8,

The movie you mentioned, amongst a few others such as House on Haunted Hill (starring Vincent Price), is recognized for having inspired Alien

I Raptus

Nov-13-2019 10:35 PM

Here is another one to get angry about!

ALIEN's body-horror partner in crime...also a classic 

 

dk

Nov-13-2019 11:34 PM

In the spirit of the OP, I will half ass a review of that nasty POS sacred cow "classic" called The Thing.

The Thing 1 star review

Acting- 0 stars. They had to actually live in the film’s environment so they could act? Were their acting chops really that bad that they couldn’t just fly in from Hollywood and do it in a couple takes? Ultimately, they appear as a gang of paranoid sissies on a Halloween sleepover. 

What is the purpose of a flame thrower in an Arctic research facility? The movie  probably couldn't afford lasers and missiles since the purse holders knew it would bomb but might be a good tax write off. Weak plot device. Sad.

Why was whiskey poured into a computer? I doubt they had a huge supply of either computers OR whiskey in that environment. Was this a subtle statement on man’s wastefulness and arrogant disregard to his planet? Maybe they liked to club baby seals to death for fun too! Or maybe some people just can't handle losing a chess game to a computer. Spok would not have reacted to losing with a childish tantrum like that.

Sound track- 0 stars. Ghetto blaster disco and a heart beat sound? I wish I was the one who made the sound track. Nice work if you can get it!

Why was Blair so grouchy? Did he not have a supply of Quaker Oatmeal up there? Maybe he was just irregular. Instead, he was given whiskey while in exile. I would have tried to build a getaway ship too!

At least The Thing 2011 prequel got it right with awesome CGI. They went the extra mile opposed to Carpenter's penny pinching fake blood and styrophome effects. 

 

I Raptus

Nov-14-2019 11:22 PM

i see what you did there 

avensis

Nov-17-2019 5:37 AM

The Thing is one of the best movies ever made, easily Carpenter’s best.

 

ShowBox Tutuapp Mobdro

Ingeniero

Nov-17-2019 2:30 PM

"Going off of that and returning to Alien I say that it is not a film that gives respect to women. I think that Sigourney Weaver appears in it scantly clad and bra-less. Enough said."

"Enough said." Boom, the point was made so big that I soiled myself....3 syllables and I'm converted.

What a joke.  So what?  She picked up the cat but forgot her undies...the pouty reviews seem to reflect a complaint crafted before the film was seen...then fit it in a review.

 

I'm for keeping the nudity/sex angle out of Sci-Fi for the most part.  Prometheus was the perfect example of how to include the concept but not introduce a "sex scene" when needing to show how someone was affected by the mutagen.  I still like Supernova though because the characters were great and somewhat expected to behave that way on that type of ship.

 

"The Thing is one of the best movies ever made, easily Carpenter's best."

Agreed avensis.  

Big Trouble in Little China is competing for one of the best movies ever made and is coincidentally by the same director.

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